I need to say at the outset that their effect can be both positive and negative. Nonetheless, it is helpful to be aware of them so that we can decide whether to accept, reject or modify them. This awareness will also help us to understand why some people think, feel and behave as they do. Of course different subsets of society will adopt different sets of unwritten rules or vary them. That, however, does not invalidate the general thesis that frequently we unconsciously conform to these norms until they are challenged.

Let me illustrate this with a couple of examples.

Real men are :

Church

• is the place for the religiously inclined
• worship is only for Sundays in a proper building
• is the place to be when you are in trouble
• is the place for your best clothes and behaviour
• You don’t have to attend church to be a Christian

Now we can see that some these rules are self-contradictory and do not correspond to reality. Some are helpful, for example, seeing the church as a sanctuary or expressing condemnation of violence of men against women.

Some are destructive, like as in the John Wayne syndrome they force people to live a lie. There are cultures that encourage men not to conceal their feelings on appropriate occasions such as death and deep tragedy. Jesus was no wimp, but he wept. The films Billy Elliott and The Full Monty explode myths about British macho culture. As far as the Christian Faith is concerned some of our unwritten rules about churchgoing need to be challenged in the light of the gospel. On pages 6 and 7 there is a very helpful article by Eric Beach on unwritten rules and bereavement which exposes some sacred cows on how Christians should behave in relation to death. In this month of the dead it is a timely reminder.

In relation to unwritten rules I am struck by these words of Paul: “Do not let the world squeeze you into its mould, but instead let yourself be transformed by the renewing of your mind then you will be able test what God’s will really is -for your benefit and not for your harm.” (Romans 12:2 paraphrased).

Good rules set boundaries in which freedom can be exercised; bad ones confine one within a cruel straitjacket that does violence to our humanity. Or, to put it in William Blake’s earthy terms: “Damn braces; bless relaxes.”